[364] Towering

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Phobia sets in with sky gazing to those
Who stand
So far
Above
Because
So far
Away
Towers
A thing
Much more
Than I can be
Whether I find myself above or below.

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[321] Enough

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It’s never enough,
It being no more than I.
I am not

Stop this thought.
Again I’ve caught
This habitual action
Made without ration
Or even awareness,
Despite its unfairness.
Pervading, insisting,
Invading, resisting,
Evading, existing,
On and on, and how
Have I not figured out
A way by now
To work about
This mental block,
This selfish pain,
Long past the shock,
Long past what’s sane,
Long past my will,
My sense, my faith,
For none are ever
Strong enough and
I am never strong enough and
I am not

It’s been twenty-three minutes
And somehow it feels like
Much more and much less;
It feels like anything but
What it should be. Never enough
Or far too much. Always running out
Yet wasting ever more. And I
Can feel
The fail
And fear
Its fall
All from
All that I can’t achieve.
What have I accomplished?
Anything is
Reduced to nothing because I
Could have made it– should have made it
So much more. It’s not enough,
Never enough, a ceaseless wheel,
An endless spiel, but nothing real
Worth being seen,
And as one who’s
Defined by such
It’s only fair
That I assume:
I am not

Cease.
Please,
Let go of your hold on me?
You’re holding onto yourself.
Does that really matter much?
It seems so; you talk to yourself.
What if you’re my only crutch?
Maybe you must hold onto yourself.
What if I’ve nothing left to clutch?
Will you just hold on and listen to yourself.
But what if I’ve nothing to say?
Why should I listen, anyway?
What is there for me to hear?
What does it matter?
Why should I care?
Why should I believe you anymore? Me, anymore?
It’s never been enough. I can’t, I cannot;
I am not

I have had ENOUGH.

You will never make yourself happy this way!
Yet forever here, you choose to stay,
And in this way, evade real change!
Why not you then, if I may,
Try not to be enough
But try to be
Better?

I

Let it sit with you, awhile;
We’ve nowhere else to go, anyway.

[260] Immersion

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I thought that I
Could erase all the pain
By diving deeper in
And making myself numb
To it.

I tried so hard
To push so far
By breaking boundaries
And pushing, breaking
Through it.

But it broke me,
Just made me sicker still.
I found myself at your feet again,
Ever feeling helpless that I could not
Do it.

You wish that I would start
To show myself respect
Equivalent to that
Of what I preach for all.
Let myself be a part,
Not give my needs neglect
And so no longer sat,
I rise from where I fall.

[238] Haiku x14

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see this concrete wall
it appears unbreakable
to all things but time

notice how the world
may or may not still be there
when you shut your eyes

walk forward blindly
what if you never collide
with an obstacle

wish this world goodbye
travel ever deeper down
down into the dream

forget directions
you don’t know “down” anymore
or where you came from

recollect a dream
or a moment, relive it
over and over

this happened before
or did it? you can’t recall
is this even real?

could you find the words
to describe the place you’re in,
how it makes you feel?

let this paradox
inexplicability
consume everything

words lose all meaning
disintegrate into glyphs
imagined meaning

drift through empty space
nothing here to grab onto
to change direction

pushing will not help
no control here anymore
save your energy

drained of energy
drift into a deeper sleep
all else disappears

wake upon the snow
there’s no context to be found,
just a concrete wall