[363] The Motions

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If I can
Make,
I can make it through
The things I can’t make out
A reason for feeling;
Feelings without reason
Subject to rationalization–
But that’s never the solution
Alternative to action.
I can
Move
Away from this “if”.
I can make it through;
These times to test trust true.

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[344] Keeping Cool

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The more I push against the boundaries,
The less I know where they are.

Little
Slivers
Slipping
Through
Exterior
Walls
I put
Up
For
The
Sake
Of my
Welfare;
Leading me to question
Their integrity,
Leaving me with pestilence
Penetrating,
And as the walls fall again
I can’t not think

The less I know that they were
At all.

[321] Enough

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It’s never enough,
It being no more than I.
I am not

Stop this thought.
Again I’ve caught
This habitual action
Made without ration
Or even awareness,
Despite its unfairness.
Pervading, insisting,
Invading, resisting,
Evading, existing,
On and on, and how
Have I not figured out
A way by now
To work about
This mental block,
This selfish pain,
Long past the shock,
Long past what’s sane,
Long past my will,
My sense, my faith,
For none are ever
Strong enough and
I am never strong enough and
I am not

It’s been twenty-three minutes
And somehow it feels like
Much more and much less;
It feels like anything but
What it should be. Never enough
Or far too much. Always running out
Yet wasting ever more. And I
Can feel
The fail
And fear
Its fall
All from
All that I can’t achieve.
What have I accomplished?
Anything is
Reduced to nothing because I
Could have made it– should have made it
So much more. It’s not enough,
Never enough, a ceaseless wheel,
An endless spiel, but nothing real
Worth being seen,
And as one who’s
Defined by such
It’s only fair
That I assume:
I am not

Cease.
Please,
Let go of your hold on me?
You’re holding onto yourself.
Does that really matter much?
It seems so; you talk to yourself.
What if you’re my only crutch?
Maybe you must hold onto yourself.
What if I’ve nothing left to clutch?
Will you just hold on and listen to yourself.
But what if I’ve nothing to say?
Why should I listen, anyway?
What is there for me to hear?
What does it matter?
Why should I care?
Why should I believe you anymore? Me, anymore?
It’s never been enough. I can’t, I cannot;
I am not

I have had ENOUGH.

You will never make yourself happy this way!
Yet forever here, you choose to stay,
And in this way, evade real change!
Why not you then, if I may,
Try not to be enough
But try to be
Better?

I

Let it sit with you, awhile;
We’ve nowhere else to go, anyway.

[265] Blur

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Can’t make out quite
The thoughts, what are
Thinking about a place in time
Where are we?… Where is
Here if not now? Am I
Then, or did this not
Already happen? Dreaming?

I wish I were dreaming.

The feelings and senses in between
Touch and sight and sound and
Position and orientation and direction and
Sanity and stillness and self and
Have I lost my senses,
Or did I forget how to interpret them?

[260] Immersion

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I thought that I
Could erase all the pain
By diving deeper in
And making myself numb
To it.

I tried so hard
To push so far
By breaking boundaries
And pushing, breaking
Through it.

But it broke me,
Just made me sicker still.
I found myself at your feet again,
Ever feeling helpless that I could not
Do it.

You wish that I would start
To show myself respect
Equivalent to that
Of what I preach for all.
Let myself be a part,
Not give my needs neglect
And so no longer sat,
I rise from where I fall.