Am I still lovestruck?



You Know What It Means

For a moment, we let go of everything and just felt something we’d hadn’t allowed ourselves to feel in what felt like an eternity. For a moment, you and I let each other smile. We were awkward, but we were awkward together. And that counts for a lot. For a moment, you and I felt each other across the physical distance, through energies. For a moment… for… a moment…








Wish those little scraps of life

Could mean something right now.

Inadequacy, and unwilling apathy

Swallow all else I feel, somehow.

I feel so dirty, unclean, unfinished, unkeen,

In discomfort, disharmony with myself, harming me like nothing else,

I guess it’s better than panic, despair, or my other weathers fared,

(Yet still there remains a fear of a far more frightening feeling,

That of which only the lone heart hath bared)

But if you were to look beyond my ever-so-present apparent lack of care,

Maybe you could see just how hard I’m fighting

Not against you, or the demons that surround us,

But against myself, because I want to be more than this.

am more than this. But I can’t see it anymore.

Where am I? This can’t be me.

This isn’t what I’m meant to be.

I can’t see.




Safe Haven

You once held power.

Not because you wanted to,

But because your friends placed you there.

You once held power.

But they told you you weren’t good enough,

So you let it go, you gave it away, without much care.

Someone else took power.

And they went on to use it against you.

And they went on to turn all of your friends against you.

Your friends had the power

To stop it from happening. But they

Were too afraid that they would suffer your same fate.

I see it…

You’re a hurt soul,

Your trust has been injured…

I knew

Someone else like that,

But it was me that they ran away from.

To me

Is where you ran to.

And I took you in with open arms.

So am I

Your safe haven?

I don’t know why love, I don’t know why me.



Eleven times thirteen, one less than twelve squared. Helped me work out one of my number theorems. I mean, it was something that should have been obvious to me, but this is the number that led me to figuring that mystery out. It’s the kind of problem that’s really only interesting to me though, so I’m not going to bother explaining that.

One hundred forty-three. We write numbers really weirdly in text.

I keep thinking it out as “one four three” because I know what I’m really thinking when that number pops into my conscious thoughts.

One four three. But I won’t think of the actual words themselves, the meaning in the symbols 143. I think I’m scared to think that.

Isn’t it weird I’m hiding behind a symbol for a symbol, despite both of them meaning the exact same thing to me?

143, 143, 143, 143, 143. I do, I do.

And you send me… less than three.

But I know what that really means, it’s a <3.

But as you give me your <3,

I continue to wonder what that in itself really means.

143. I’m sure of that.

I just wish I knew how to know…



I love ~.

But do you know why I love ~?

~ is unique to me.

I love symbols in general;?$&♥♦♣♠!@`”§and the way we convey meaning*([{<%>}])^from the lines we draw upon parchment with our pencils, as writers. fm419911qxc7317, for example, is just a string of symbols that don’t to you inherently mean anything. Yet, somehow, my words around all of this “nonsense” conveys a message. How is it any different? Eplaixn taht to me. I wsih to konw. Qb lbh haqrefgnaq guvf?♫♪►☼

Also, what if I told you fm419911qxc7317 did mean something to me? Would you believe me, or just call me insane? Or both?####6174

“32145678 54382179 45789394 24692143 45612342 49999952 4417214 2469214”

Someone said that once. I don’t know what it means to them, but for some reason, I am confident it means something.

~ might not mean something particularly special to you. Or maybe it does.

But ~ to me is my identity.

And that is one thing

That no matter what happens

I will never



Let go.