A gift for you

I write this, waiting,
Patiently? Or anxiously?
For the bell to ring:
Everyone’s signal to leave,
But also mine, for another purpose.
I don’t know for sure
What I’ll say to you.
Do I wish for time to slow,
Or do I wish for that moment
To be now?

I want you to know.
Maybe not that I love you,
Though I do very much,
But that I want you
To be happy.
I just hope you’ve known
Those notes weren’t a mistake.
They were for you.
Will you know it was me?
12 minutes…

Rehearsing what to say
Is futile.
It just needs to come
From the heart.
I don’t want to seem
Like a creep,
Like I’m taking advantage of you,
LIke any of this is a lie…
I want you to know the truth.
8 minutes.

I’ll give you the gift.
7 minutes.
I’ll tell you it’s for you.
6 minutes.
That, I want you to have it.
5 minutes.
I hope I’m right.
4 minutes.
I hope this is the right thing to do.
3 minutes.
Relax yourself. All is okay.

2 minu-

Wait, the bell?
NO!
She’s going, she’s
Walking away…

…..

NO.

Not this time.
I will not stay silent
As I have
So many times before.

NOT
THIS
TIME.

“Madeline?”

“I want you to have this.”
Oh, thank you!

She leaves.

A merry Christmas
It shall be.

I hope I’m not the reason

I hope I’m not the reason
That you’re so afraid, and stressed.
I hope you don’t think
That I don’t appreciate you.
I guess it’s my fault
Because I never say so
Because I’m so reserved
Because I feel like I can’t love.

I hope I’m not the one
Who brought you to this state
The feelings you have now.
The fear you won’t be able to pay
For all the things you need
In our capitalist society,
Feeling lost, like there’s no one to help.

I hope you don’t believe
That I never thought of
All the things you’ve done.
I’m sorry for never expressing it
But I don’t know, honestly,
What that would do now.

I don’t want you to lose
EVERYTHING
Just to try to get me
To express something
That I already feel.

I don’t want you to think
That I don’t want to repay you,
But in reality,
We know I can’t.

Most of all,
I hope
You can support yourself.

I hope for your sake, not mine
That you’ll be okay.

I wish you knew that.