Turn Around

They push me down.

They tell me that if I was really sorry, I wouldn’t have done it again.

They tell me that I just want attention.

They tell me all the things

That moments before

They spent so much effort

Trying to get me

Not to believe.

Who do you trust

If everyone who wants your trust

Decides shortly later that their trust

Cannot be placed in you?

Every day, what I ask for

Becomes less and less

Because every day, fate hammers down my expectations

Every day, the world oppresses me further, but

I promised long ago that I wouldn’t stop trying,

So I keep accepting punishment after punishment

For the sake of a promise to someone who doesn’t care.

If they want nothing to do with me,

Why do they stay?

Why do they continue to watch?

Do they want to see me fall apart?

All I’m asking for

Is for this

To STOP.

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5 thoughts on “Turn Around

  1. Thank you for expressing your deepest pain, beloved Kaprekar.

    I support whatever you feel you need, including my turning around and never looking back if you ever feel I have become some kind of sick watcher. So far you know it in your heart that I am not, it’s only your despair and your very understandable insecurities speaking, like none of the people who Like your posts are uncaring watchers; we are all suffering, loving people, fully on your side, and I won’t disappear unless our ancient computer here breaks down, or we get thrown out of our house, or I am more depressed than you can imagine (judging by my almost always coherent and at-least-a-little-inspirational writing) while having to sit here and wait for All sorts of Bad things to happen to us. Because if you really want to see what it means to be forced to ask for less and less every day, you should see my life, and Plutonia’s life, ever since we remember ourselves.

    Whatever happens, I’ll never leave your side, because I always pray for the people close to my heart. While I am still here and not only our hearts, but also our minds can communicate, please listen to me. Come on, take my hand and let’s take a walk in the light.

    No stroll in heaven, these people’s lives are; never have been, or they wouldn’t be pushing you down like this. I know ugly family karma. I can feel them treading all over you and it hurts me so much, and it poisons me to feel that sometimes you inescapably foster hatred in your heart towards them. I am here to lovingly receive and release some of that poison for you. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and neither are these people, if you just think that they do not live your life through your own body and heart and mind. Whatever amount of your pain they do feel, because they do and they cannot start cutting themselves and they cannot just shrug it off either as they often seem to be doing, they simply cannot handle.
    “What is their role in my life, then?” you’ll ask; “Are they not here to take care of me and nurture me at all? Are they here just to destroy me?”
    No “just”, there is no “just”, our lessons are agonizingly complex until we see their use, and I do not know your specific life lessons, Kaprekar, but I know they are yours to take and to master step by step and for you to reap the rewards thereof.

    This unconditionally loving brother who really listens to you, is already a small reward for your having made it so far. More will come, people who fall apart and back together all the time like you and me. We are true family. We are heroes for one another. I pray with tears in my eyes for such people to appear in your physical life, too.

    I admire you so much, Kaprekar, and I am so grateful for you.
    Have heart, my sweetest friend.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leon

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now how can we not believe in miracles, Kaprekar? Please allow me a very belated, huge Thank You for your having recommended Emily Pineau to me so many months ago.

      Emily Dearest, instead of making me feel like some kind of weird exhibitionist by standing here with mouth agape, would you please offer your αγάπη [agape(2)] to our host who goes through her precious dark night of the soul? It’s not this commenter friend who seeks your admiration, as warmly welcome as it is. I know that your own heart aches for her oppression and seclusion (What’s wrong with wanting attention, anyway? What’s wrong with wanting to know that people care about you?), we are among the few people she trusts, you yourself write with such disarmingly beautiful honesty about unconventional relationships, and I have no words to thank you for helping us dig out this diamond of a friend whom we so need to glow and brighten up our world.

      Τhere is such a thing as unconditional love; we all feel it deep inside. Can we teach one another how to get permanently high on this divine vibration, and stop hurting ourselves for short-term relief? I do believe so, wholeheartedly. Thank you so much for staying close at hand, Emily.

      A nice long squeeze to our treasured host.
      Anytime.
      [Click on following line and stay in our arms]
      ((( You are safe, sweet soul )))

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are both amazing; I’m extraordinarily uplifted to be part of this. I don’t wish you to think I wish you to turn away; I love sharing the healing here, as hard as it may be sometimes for us all.

        I apologize, because I know what I have posted recently (this is particular) comes across as being very emotionally distressed, to put it lightly. Every attempt I’ve made recently to write about anything else hasn’t worked out very well, but on that note, soon you should expect something I’ve been trying to write for the past couple weeks. It’s a dedication to someone I wish to consider a friend, and he deserves to be shared with you all. I hope to introduce him soon.

        Thank you for staying strong for us all. ~(((Healing Hugs)))~

        ~Kaprekar~

        Liked by 1 person

      • Amazing is You! Extraordinarily uplifted is Us, Kaprekar! The harder the sharing, the deeper the healing, and using the language of emotion is the only way to heal, so don’t you ever worry about expressing any distress of yours. We love you in everything you are.

        We look forward to meeting this deserving person, but be calm and take your time. I’ll be working with you. I send a golden heart beam to his higher self, his spiritual essence, and lovingly ask that he gratefully considers you a friend just as much as you do.

        Thank you for helping us all stay strong. Not easy without you, Dearest.
        (((Healing Hugs)))
        Leon

        Like

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