Valentine’s Day

One year ago today…

My best friend and I were walking home together. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. The absolute terror of trying to cope with what had happened was too much for me to think out anything. I left without saying bye that day. Walking through the cold winter, I arrived home. I didn’t feel welcome. Although I wasn’t alone, I still felt very alone in my terror…

An hour before, everything was okay. It was Valentine’s Day, and right before a weekend. Everyone was happy and excited. The three of us, consisting of my best friend and I, and another male friend, were sitting together on a couch at his house, watching a movie together. We enjoyed most Fridays like this. I sat on the right side, my best friend on the left, and him in the middle. Everything about this was normal. However, soon, I started to feel very uncomfortable. I couldn’t immediately figure out why.

A few minutes passed, and I still felt like something was wrong, but I tried my best to ignore it. The next thing I felt was a hand. On my back. Sliding down. Slowly. I tried to move away a little bit, trying to assume that he didn’t mean to do that. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that it wasn’t a mistake. He wasn’t stopping. His hand wasn’t stopping and I wanted it to, and he knew I wanted it to but he wouldn’t stop. At this point, I was completely paralyzed in shock and panic. I wasn’t prepared for this and had no idea what to do. I was too scared to think clearly, and I kept denying it in my head. I kept telling myself that this wasn’t what I thought it was. Finally, somehow, I managed to break out of my frozen state and quickly excused myself to the bathroom.

I stayed in here for the next few minutes. I stared at my reflection, wondering if this was even real. I tried not to think about it when I came back out. I sat somewhere else. I couldn’t sit there again. No.

We were supposed to leave in fifteen minutes, and then I could get out of here and not have to think about it ever again. I spent the next couple minutes just staring at the clock below the television, waiting for it to be over. Every minute felt like it took an hour. It didn’t even take half the remaining time for him to get up and walk over to where I was sitting. I tried to say no, but no voice came out. I began shaking as he sit down, staring. He put his hand on me a little more roughly this time. He wrapped his other arm around me so that I couldn’t move. He continued to lower his hold. He went too far. He went way too far.

The clock strikes the hour and my best friend announces to us that it’s time to go. The only thing I’m thankful for in that instant is that we can leave. A moment later, I realize my best friend may not have seen anything. I seriously begin to pray that nothing was seen, for their sake. We leave and begin the cold walk home.

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. The absolute terror of trying to cope with what had happened was too much for me to think out anything. I left without saying bye that day. Walking through the cold winter, I arrived home. I didn’t feel welcome. Although I wasn’t alone, I still felt very alone in my terror…

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One thought on “Valentine’s Day

  1. My sister Kaprekar,
    Thank you so much for getting this off your chest. I pray that no such shame of a human being comes near you ever again, that this terror will stop replaying in your mind, that’s the point of your sharing it, and that my suffering with you brings some relief to your sweet soul.
    I love you so much and you are never alone. Don’t you ever forget that.
    ❤ Leon

    Liked by 2 people

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