A Plan

For you, dear friend

I shall write a story.

I shall write poetry

For your melodies;

We’ll be like dancers,

Supporting each other,

Living in harmony.

I will introduce the world

To your beauty.

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Turn Around

They push me down.

They tell me that if I was really sorry, I wouldn’t have done it again.

They tell me that I just want attention.

They tell me all the things

That moments before

They spent so much effort

Trying to get me

Not to believe.

Who do you trust

If everyone who wants your trust

Decides shortly later that their trust

Cannot be placed in you?

Every day, what I ask for

Becomes less and less

Because every day, fate hammers down my expectations

Every day, the world oppresses me further, but

I promised long ago that I wouldn’t stop trying,

So I keep accepting punishment after punishment

For the sake of a promise to someone who doesn’t care.

If they want nothing to do with me,

Why do they stay?

Why do they continue to watch?

Do they want to see me fall apart?

All I’m asking for

Is for this

To STOP.

Countdown

I don’t know whether or not I want a countdown, to the final day,

Or what I’ll decide to bring with me, or what is bound to stay.

I don’t know what you want from me, or if you even care.

I don’t know who to go to, and as far as I’m aware,

There’s a curse that falls upon the ones who want to try to help me,

The curse that made me push them all away, so safe they will be.

You fell into it’s grasp, and for that I wish to apologize

But there’s honestly no “sorry” that will fix it all, in your eyes.

Remembering that everything I call mine

All has an approaching deadline.

In My Head

The words for you

Are always perfect when I’m alone…

The things I want to say

Are forgotten by the time I can write them down…

I never lose the feelings

But I can never say them

Out of fear that the wrong words

Will shatter all we have.

Cursed

The one person who’d kept me hanging on

The one person who told me I’d come out okay, and I believed

The one person that changed my life more than any other

Is gone.

And these memories haunt me every hour of every day

The trust I had was shattered, and that’s all I had,

So it left me in pieces. I don’t believe anymore

That I’ll ever come out okay

And I can’t hang on anymore

Because I don’t feel a reason to keep trying to outrun this cursed fate.

They tell me I need to take a break

And all I can think of now

Is taking a “break”

That never

Ends.

Valentine’s Day

One year ago today…

My best friend and I were walking home together. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. The absolute terror of trying to cope with what had happened was too much for me to think out anything. I left without saying bye that day. Walking through the cold winter, I arrived home. I didn’t feel welcome. Although I wasn’t alone, I still felt very alone in my terror…

An hour before, everything was okay. It was Valentine’s Day, and right before a weekend. Everyone was happy and excited. The three of us, consisting of my best friend and I, and another male friend, were sitting together on a couch at his house, watching a movie together. We enjoyed most Fridays like this. I sat on the right side, my best friend on the left, and him in the middle. Everything about this was normal. However, soon, I started to feel very uncomfortable. I couldn’t immediately figure out why.

A few minutes passed, and I still felt like something was wrong, but I tried my best to ignore it. The next thing I felt was a hand. On my back. Sliding down. Slowly. I tried to move away a little bit, trying to assume that he didn’t mean to do that. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that it wasn’t a mistake. He wasn’t stopping. His hand wasn’t stopping and I wanted it to, and he knew I wanted it to but he wouldn’t stop. At this point, I was completely paralyzed in shock and panic. I wasn’t prepared for this and had no idea what to do. I was too scared to think clearly, and I kept denying it in my head. I kept telling myself that this wasn’t what I thought it was. Finally, somehow, I managed to break out of my frozen state and quickly excused myself to the bathroom.

I stayed in here for the next few minutes. I stared at my reflection, wondering if this was even real. I tried not to think about it when I came back out. I sat somewhere else. I couldn’t sit there again. No.

We were supposed to leave in fifteen minutes, and then I could get out of here and not have to think about it ever again. I spent the next couple minutes just staring at the clock below the television, waiting for it to be over. Every minute felt like it took an hour. It didn’t even take half the remaining time for him to get up and walk over to where I was sitting. I tried to say no, but no voice came out. I began shaking as he sit down, staring. He put his hand on me a little more roughly this time. He wrapped his other arm around me so that I couldn’t move. He continued to lower his hold. He went too far. He went way too far.

The clock strikes the hour and my best friend announces to us that it’s time to go. The only thing I’m thankful for in that instant is that we can leave. A moment later, I realize my best friend may not have seen anything. I seriously begin to pray that nothing was seen, for their sake. We leave and begin the cold walk home.

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. The absolute terror of trying to cope with what had happened was too much for me to think out anything. I left without saying bye that day. Walking through the cold winter, I arrived home. I didn’t feel welcome. Although I wasn’t alone, I still felt very alone in my terror…